Thursday, March 17, 2011

Lusky Stank. Shrek. Aliens from Mars. That's our Top 12, America.

Every season, the contestants participate in the "Year You Were Born" theme week. And every season, it's awful. Uninspired. Boring. Total snooze-fest.

And this year was no different.

Lucky for us, we have the heavy-lidded, irreverent, glamorous STEVEN TYLER to rescue us from complete and utter boredom. Even if I didn't enjoy most of the performances, I enjoyed the juicy sound bites that our beloved Steven threw out for all to savor.

Our Rock Savior

What the hell happened?!

NAIMA - What's love got to do with it? What's TALENT got to do with it? You wouldn't know, because you got the short-end of the talent stick in this particular competition. Your version of Tina Turner's classic wins for most awful arrangement of the night. You are in the bottom 3. Again.

PAUL - you are starting to wear me out, my pretty boy. Steven called you "a cool dude in a loose mood." Ok. You'll skate by this week by the skin of those beautiful teeth, because your song choices are NOT what is keeping you on the show. I really hated your arrangement of "I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues," by Elton John. I give you one more week to prove why you're on the show. After that, I have to break up with you.

THIA - you sang the theme song to Disney's "Pocahontas". My 6 and 4 year old daughters love "Colors of the Wind" and if they had seen you perform it, they would have loved that you stole a dress from Pocahontas's closet for your performance. "Is this really who you want to be?" asks Steven Tyler. And honestly, I don't care enough to know the answer. You bore me to death and I think you'll be lucky to avoid the Bottom Three tonight.

Crazy Town

JAMES - thank you for at least trying to put on a show last night. Steven appreciates your "rich vein of inner crazy" and has promised to perform with you at the Finale. I will certainly keep voting for you. Bon Jovi's "I'll Be There for You" isn't my favorite song, but YOU are my favorite contestant right now. Keep it up, Crazy Town.

Get this girl a Kleenex

HALEY - Hot pants. Lipstick-smeared teeth. You've got that whole cute 'n trashy thing down. But what you don't have down is song choice. I wish you could take that soulful, blues-y voice and do something great with it, but you're too busy shopping for Maybelling at the drug store. You'll be in the dreaded Bottom Three, too. "I'm Your Baby Tonight" isn't going to work for you this time.

STEFANO - you have a super-cute dad. I enjoyed your sarcasm as you described the process of choosing a song this week. You have a beautiful voice. Simply Red's "If You Don't Know Me By Now" was one of the best song choices of the night. So for that alone, I applaud you. You'll be sticking around.
I forgot to attach the doughnuts to my head

PIA - again, you are a smart girl. You choose songs that show off your big voice. You aren't afraid to tackle Whitney's "Where Do Broken Hearts Go" and pull it off. You've now stuck a fork in Celine AND Whitney. What will you do next? Except for the Princess Leia outfit, you were great. Again.

Recognize me?

SCOTTY - has anyone noticed that you look like the love child of Alfred E. Neuman...and George W. Bush? I'm just sayin'. You crushed Travis Tritt's "Can I Trust You With My Heart." Someone, please just put you on country radio now. You don't even need American Idol.
E. T. Phone Home

KAREN - no no no. You represent what was WORST about last night. Boring. Uninspired. Steven may love it when you "break into your ethnic what-it-is-ness", but that Spanish you were singing last night? It translates to, "I'm in the Bottom Three and I'm going home." Sorry, Karen. I hope you left the tags on that Star Trek outfit you had on last night. As my mom says, "Send her back to Mars."

Yep, that's the GOOP alright

CASEY - that crazy green-and-yellow ADD Shrek lighting didn't help your performance. But your performance couldn't be helped. I may just be an uncool soccer mom who's not down with the kids these days, but I'm not afraid to say that your performance of Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" was NOT. COOL. I like risk takers, contestants who are fearless, but only when the performance WORKS. This one came across as screechy and psychotic. Steven says you are "the goop good stuff is made of" but last night, you were just plain GOOP. You better make it up to us next week.

LAUREN - I still love you. Even with the flu, your voice is strong and lovely to listen to - even when you are singing an angry song like Melissa Etheridge's "I'm the Only One." Good job, girl. Now go get better, so you can crush it again next week.

Gospel had a baby...

JACOB - every performance of yours is like an outer-body experience, and we are just along for the ride. And you did threaten to put your "Lusky Stank" on it. But I have to say, I didn't love your version of "Alone" by Heart. I remember when Carrie Underwood did this song and it was incredible. You are an incredible singer, but I was so distracted by your swinging and swaying on the stage, your awkwardness, I couldn't completely enjoy it. But you are amazing, and apparently, you are GOSPEL'S BABY, according to Steven. Can't mess with that.

My bottom three: Karen, Haley, and Naima
Who's going home: Karen

What did YOU hear last night?!


  1. ugggh! i agree with you 100%. I got scared maybe I broke my remote, since I ended up fast forwarding through so many songs so aggressively!

    This was one of the nights I really missed Simon who I feel like would have truly ripped each of them a new one. In fact, I am sure Simon watched last night's show from his ginormous British estate somewhere and was just laughing his ass off that he bailed from this show as a slew of servants oiled his scary man boobs and fed him grapes.

    I decided to be my own Simon and just started doing commentary in an english accent after each contestant finished. "That was just bloody awful...made my ears bleed..."
    Please people...better song choices next week!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Spot on evaluations, Gillian. And including the pic of Alfred E. Neumann is genius. (Now, dammit girl - get over to my blog and post your life changing movie!)