Wednesday, March 2, 2011

I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen...I mean, American Idol.

YOUR top 24, as Seacrest would say

There are a couple of things in life I'm very passionate about: coffee, beer, bacon, Pixar movies...and American Idol. Is it just me, or is this season shaping up to be one of the best ever? And we haven't even seen the girls perform yet?

These are my thoughts on the Top 12 guys from last night. Overall, I loved the show and was amazed by the maturity of their talent, the confidence they showed on their first night on the stage....and the ability of some, after 11 previous seasons, to still pick the WRONG song. Here we go!

A frog in a fishbowl?

CLINT JUN  - our favorite bully from Hollywood week. Your coke bottle glasses and karaoke-host story would be cute, if you hadn't proved to be such a jerk last week. But I have to admit, you crushed Superstition. But I'm still not going to vote for you.

JOVANY - you are a beefed up man-cake version of Mark Anthony, and maybe that's why J Lo loves you. But I'm afraid you're going back to the shipyard with that performance. And it saves us from watching you rip your shirt off during some future performance - we know it's coming, let's just save you the embarrassment. You are a little too Jersey Shore (GTL!!!) for me.

TIM - when I had to crank the volume on our TV just to hear you, I knew it couldn't be good. And it wasn't. Boring, bland, I don't even like the original of this Rob Thomas song. I'm sorry, but I don't think we'll ever see or hear from you again after Thursday.

BRETT - aka "I Whip My Hair Back and Forth" - your performance was straight. up. creepy. I wanted to set myself on fire after watching you perform this classic Doors song. You are a cute, sympathetic, nerdy little dude.  Don't perform a song that originated from one of the true sex-gods of all time. You should have stuck to what you're good at....whatever that is. I was looking forward to finding out, but I fear we may not have that opportunity after Thursday.

Baby, I love your way

JAMES - you had me with your life story. A weeping puddle on the floor, actually. You get huge props for performing Judas Priest on AI. But your jewelry, nail polish,'s all looking very familiar. Please do not consecrate the sacred ground that is ADAM LAMBERT. As Bruno Mars (and contestant Stefano would say), we love you just the way you are. Get rid of the tail. You stand out already. Just belt it out and let us enjoy it. We'll see you next week, that's for shizz, but please just keep it under control!

ROBBIE - you are not my type of singer. I'm sure my Mom loves you. But I was really impressed with your voice during Hollywood Week and I've been rooting for you. So what happened? This isn't Lilith Fair. The judges seemed to love your performance, but I have to say, I heard something totally different than they did. You sounded pitchy, terrified, and amateur. True, you are probably 16 years old or something, but c'mon, man! Step it up! I want you to stick around, but you are going to have to perform better than that!

Baby, lock them doors and turn the lights down low...

SCOTTY: I swear i'm not biased, just because I live here in North Carolina, but you sounded amazing. Thank you for doing such a great job of doing what. you. do. best. I'm a little scared for you and what the future holds on this show - R&B week, Broadway, etc? But for now, you're sticking around. You're humble, sweet, and you love your mama, just like a good Southern boy should. Keep it up.

STEFANO: chicks dig this Bruno Mars song. You did a pretty good job. But for me, it was standard-issue Idol, nothing spectacular. With such a great pool of talent this year, you shouldn't go through based on that performance. But I have a feeling you will.

What toothpaste do you use?

PAUL: OMG, Paul. You are so hot in a very skinny, Bradley-Cooper type of way. And for that alone, I want you to stay around. I think you're super-talented. You dress like Kix Brooks. But your subtlety may not translate to the teenage girls who are voting, so you better hope there are millions of Moms like me who think your teeth are just too stunning NOT to vote for you. You clearly have talent and I want to see more of it. (Who do you remind me of? Can anyone help me out with this?) Either way, you are your pearly whites...I dig it.

the next Luther V

JACOB - apparently, we don't need Luther Vandross anymore, because we have YOU. J Lo was sweet to you and you certainly deserved it. I think your facial tics and affectations have the potential to really get on my nerves, but hey, this is a SINGING competition, right? And if that's the case, you probably have the best, smoothest voice of the group. It's so easy for you. You're going through and I'm looking forward to it.

Too sexy

CASEY - you are too sexy for the stand-up bass, baby. And that's saying a lot, considering you look like a cross between Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, and Zack Galifianakis. But as Enrique would say in the clean version, Tonight I'm Lovin' YOU.

And can I have a quick word about the judges?

I know we only have one episode under our AI belts this season. But Randy, as the elder statesmen of the group, we are kind of counting on you to deliver some legitimate criticism and helpful commentary. Because it doesn't seem that we're going to get it from Steven and J Lo.

Steven, I love you and your bleep shield. You are a rock God. But at some point, you're going to have to do more than throw back your head, inhale deeply as if you've just taken a Salvia bong hit with Miley Cyrus, and pronounce, "I loved it, man." We need more from you. You've been around the world. You've seen it all. You wrote the title song to Armageddon. So please share some of your rocker wisdom and give these kids something to work with. And yes, I just ended that sentence with a preposition.

Jenny from the Block, you are so dewy and gorgeous. I look forward to your outfits during every show. I believe your emotions are heartfelt and sincere.  I hope you can do more than be a cheerleader.

Whew! I'm wiped out! And we still have two more episodes left...this week! Happy voting and please join the conversation! True American Idol fans can't keep their opinions to themselves, so let's go!


  1. Gillian, I LOVE it and can't wait until tomorrow when I can read your thoughts about the girls!! Love, Jennifer Kromhout & fellow obsessed Idol fan!!

  2. Shit! Jennifer beat me to being the first to comment. (Just kidding, Jen. Good for you!)

    Gillian, marvelous blog. You've captured everything so succinctly and wittily. Loved your snark in regards to Steven Tyler and his "bong hit with Miley Cyrus." Hilarious!

    And I'm rooting for Jacob Lusk. He's not only got a lot of Luther Vandross in him, but some Johnny Mathis as well. Particularly with the falsetto ability as well as some of those facial tics!

    Keep up the great work, Gillian. Bravo!

  3. I just realized that I completely forgot to post about JORDAN. Which tells you something right there. I'll have to include him with the Top 12 Girls review tomorrow! -g

  4. Wow! How talented! A writer AND photographer.